Before I share this, I just want to say that anything I share on this blog about my family, especially my daughter Alyssa, I ask permission first.
Now...
Toward the end of Alyssa's pregnancy with Juliana Pearl she was ready to get this precious gift out of her, as most women 9 months pregnant express. So, she went walking and when that didn't work for her, she went to the internet.
She googled her desire and announced to me that she would be having her baby the next day.
"Really. And just how are you going to do this?" I had to ask.
"I'm going to the store to buy castor oil and orange juice and I'm going to mix them together and drink a cup of it. That will start my labor going," she said with much confidence.
"Alyssa, that's gross and it's not going to work." I stated.
"Yes, Mom it will and I'm gonna do it."
She text me later to tell me that she felt sick.
Text me again...I just threw up.
Text me again...I feel really sick.
A few days later, my girl realized that she had bought canola oil instead of castor and drank a cup of it.
Either one would be gross and prove to be just an old wives' tale.
Drinking the wrong thing caused her to be in pain alright, but not labor pain.
Drinking the wrong thing caused her to hold on to a toilet bowl instead of hold on to a baby like she wanted to.
About 3 weeks later, Miss Juliana Pearl arrived.
Without the help of any oils.
Alyssa and I were just talking about this last week and we got to laughing about it.
I told her that sometimes we do this with God.
We try to rush things and not wait on Him and we drink our own cocktail instead of what He wants us to swallow.
Such as the Living Water He offers us.
And we become nauseous.
We can't keep stuff down.
And then we realize that it was our own word instead of His Word that we followed.
Then we really feel sick.
Sick at the thought of what we have missed out.
Castor...canola...our own agenda and it never gets us what we want or need.
Right now I cannot describe what God is doing in my life. Like I shared in the last post, for the first time in over a year, I backed out of doing the YES to GOD blog study even though being in the middle of it.
I'm doing this incredible Bible study by Beth Moore called Jesus: The One and Only and I have to share with you something from it.
This is what Beth wrote that just got me...
I just want to be about God.
Not about ministry.
Not about my own agenda.
Not about writing Bible studies.
Not about me at all.
When all is said and done, I would give my life for people to be able to say,
"She was just about God."
I'm pretty good with words and I tell you I struggle with trying to express what is happening in my heart right now. These last 2 years in my life alot has happened with people I love. A chunk of it I have shared in my blog posts. And some of it, like Mary, I have treasured in my heart.
It has been a season of growth.
A season of crying out to God.
A season of being upset with God.
A season of praying myself to sleep.
A season of 2 steps forward and 10 steps back.
A season of letting go.
A season of enforced boundaries.
A season of forgiveness.
A season of learning responsibility with the gifts God has given to me.
A season of learning to love.
A season of silence.
A season of feeling sorry for myself.
A season of realizing it isn't about me, but all about Him.
A season of trusting God more than myself.
A season of encouragment.
A season of tears, laughter, anger, joy, confusion and a-ha moments.
A season of gain, loss, falling pride and rising faith.
A season of reaching for Jesus and never being disappointed.
A season of trying to do the Christian walk on my own only to fall.
A season of being helped up by the One who gets up off His throne to reach for me.
A season of being witness to Charity, a young Mom pass from death to eternal life.
A season of trial and error.
A season of trial.
This morning I just finished reading a novel and there is a line in it that I really love:
HUMBLE WILLINGNESS: An attitude before God.
Hmmm...that is what I must have in order to draw nearer to Him and in turn He will draw closer to me.
Because I want more.
More of Him.
More seasons with my Savior.
I have been so weepy in my time alone with Him, especially last night just merely thinking of Jesus.
I want more of Him and yet I know what I ask for I am not capable of being able to handle.
All I know is that I'm tired and just want to seek Him like never before.
I want to be like Moses and refuse to take one more step without Him going with me.
Leading me. Taking me. Trusting me. Blessing me.
Following Him. Being taken. Trusting Him. Blessing Him with my life.
I want Him.
Jesus Christ.
The King of all Kings.
Prince of Peace.
Wonderful Counselor.
The One that Charity paused in her battle with cancer long enough to say yes to and has now added pink to heaven's walls while she tirelessly worships her Creator.
The most recent CD Alivia picked out is Cece Winans Thy Kingdom Come. We love it.
The song called Waging War really got to me tonight and so I want to share it with you.
Listen closely to the words.
Because, bottom line is the world we live in is being run by our enemy...the prince of the world.
The Message Bible describes Satan in John 14 as being the chief of this godless world.
I am sick and tired of giving the chief too much freedom in my life. Over my kids, in my marriage. There is no way I would open my front door to a thief and tell him to come in and take what he wants from us. I wouldn't stand still and just watch the enemy interfere in my marriage.
I wouldn't watch the thief punch my son in the gut with rap music that has to have a parent advisory sticker slapped on the outside of the cd case. I wouldn't stand in my daughter's doorway to her bedroom as the enemy tried to convince her to believe the lies of this world.
And yet when I try to run things Lelia-style, that is exactly what I am doing and I'm tired.
Tired of the enemy and tired of not letting God have His way with me like He tells me He wants to in
Jeremiah 29:11-12
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
I find the overwhelming need and desire to just be about God.
I don't want to be defined by what I write on this blog.
I don't want to tell God the plans I have for me, instead I want to follow the ones that He has for me.
Less of me...more of Him.
Alot more.
I just want to be about God.
If I don't live out my desire to let Christ have His way with me then the legacy I will leave for my kids and my grandchildren will be disastrous.
Alivia can't get enough of this song. I want it to be a song that echoes from her mouth and heart when she is out in the world on her own.
I must get out of His way so He can have His way.
HUMBLE WILLINGNESS.
Have your way sweet Jesus.
I mean it.
No more drinking canola oil and orange juice.
She was all about God...
May this be said of each one that humbly seeks Him.
Many Blessings~
20 comments:
Wow! All I can say is that you just echoed everything that I have been feeling over the last several months! I needed to read this today. Thanks for sharing it.
Sweet friend, Lelia! Hugs and prayers are with you. What you are experiencing is where God took me 3 and a half years ago...exactly. Funny, it was when I started my blog, but that was because my "ministry" was every where else - the blog nothing, just a place to write, think aloud...express. After spending several years making sure that God was "using" me, there was nothing left to use and I became only about living with and for God. (it DID take time to allow Him to change my heart and mind set) The halt that He put on my life was the best thing ever! And I pulled out of a lot of "things" but I moved right into being with Him.
I totally get it!
Love you and praying for you and look forward to hearing how He is working it all out!
Drink the sweet water of His Spirit!
Lelia, Great words - I can see your heart and feel your passion. I pray God will continue to fill you with His peace and lead you where He wants you to go. We had Bible study last night and spent sometime discussing how you know God's call for your life. And basically came back to the point that it's not about doing, but being. I sense you are doing that, keep it up and He will get the glory and you will receive the blessing.
Prayers from Iowa,
Jill
Very moving post. I'll try to watch this video later. I can't right now. I find myself with no words. I have been thinking about you ever since you commented that you were going to email me about something.
WOW!!! Lelia! I'm not sure what to say either, especially since we don't know each other that well...I guess I'm one of your lurking visitors, but this one just demanded me, no compelled me to shout AMEN!!! VICTORY OVER THE ENEMY...yeah...I/m not sure if I left comments before but I know that I follow here & you've been on my list...and now I can see why!!!
I loved your YES GOD studies but I too echo much of what you shared! I love what you chose from Beth Moore! I Love CeCe Winan's song! I laughed about your personal tale but I'm tired too...and those seasons, whoaooo, have we all been going through these or what?
Now not that this surprises me because you do WRITE FROM YOUR HEART but your humble willingness tells me...it will be said...
Lelia is/was all about GOD!
Prayers for whatever you're battling & thank you! Many blessings for how you have blessed us!
That was just awesome. I could feel it straight from your heart and it echos deeply in mine as well.
ok girlfriend....i am bawling....
satan seems to be camped-out above my home right now as we are thick in the teenage boy struggles...and i have been feeling defeated....not anymore...i am waging war....i have prayed over these boys from the time they were conceived and he is not coming after them without a fight....even if every other parent is willing to stick their head in the sand...i will not....i am waging war!!
love you and thank you for the post!!
-kim
You're always so transparent, opening your heart for all the world to see.
That's what I love about you!
love and hugs~Tammy
Me too...I want more of Him and less of me. You touched my heart with this post. Praying for you!
I hear your heart, friend; thanks for sharing so openly. Our Father is honored by our honesty before him and before one another. Honestly, what better course of "study" can we venture into than that of being all about our Jesus?!
God continues to shape my own heart along these lines. You're not alone in your struggle in trying to figure it all out. So much of what we "do" for the kingdom is motivated by our need to feel good, to belong, to make sure we're in good with the King. When we operated out of that motivation, we feel "less" and "lacking" at the end of the day.
When our true motivation is Jesus and his love is compelling us forward to action, then we rest easy when the day ends. Peace finds its home within our hearts, and we no longer have to wonder if we're doing enough.
We simply are enough because our God is enough.
Keep to the road, friend. God is shaping you for his mighty purposes even this day.
Love you.
peace~elaine
Awesome, Lelia! I am praying for you. You have done so much in the past Bible studies to build up women and their walk with God. I'm reading John Elderidges Walk With God right now, and he says something that really got my attention. He says, "It's not about what God is not giving, it's about what He is giving." Sometimes I'm so focused on what I want that He denies, that I miss the amazing gifts right in front of me. You are one of those gifts, friend.
Love you,
laura
Simply beautiful. I feel as though I have been in the same season. I want more of HIM and WAY LESS of me!!! I want to follow His plan and not mine. Thank you for your honesty and this post!
Jennifer
Lelia, I don't even know what to say because I can relate to SO much of what you said. This past year has been one unlike any other in my life...and with a third baby coming in less than two years (due any time!), I am being stretched in ways I never thought of.
All I know is that HE owns more and more of my heart, mind, and body...and that is a good thing. I feel more of His Spirit and see more of His movement, the strength in the midst of the weakness. Keep sharing on here because it is a blessing to have kindred spirits in this journey.
Beautiful Lelia, you are truly amazing, and God is doing wonderful things in your life, and the lives of so many others because of you!
I agree with all the ladies here in their comments. We all have that underlying need and desire for Jesus; it's inbuilt into us because God made it to be that way. We fool ourselves if we think we don't need Him or can go against that feeling inside us. It's amazing to think that it's Him inside us wanting to get out and shine upon others.
You have been the biggest blessing in my life over the past year. I can honestly say that I would not be the woman I am now if God had not allowed our paths to cross. Seeing what is deep in my soul, taking my thoughts captive and better self talk, walking by faith not fear, and now embracing His grace in my life. These things are all because of meeting you.
I am praying for you and yours. In fact, I've just finished writing a letter to your dear girl and will pack it off to you to pass onto her this week. And I love the song too! Powerful words.
Love you always dear friend xo
I read this post.
Started to leave a comment.
Changed my mind.
Re-read some parts. Came back to respond.
I want my words, actions, thoughts. My life. To be about Him. Not about me. Not about my agenda. My goals. Or my blog.
Just Him.
It's hard.
Lelia, I realized after posting that I was logged into my old bloggers account. So I tried deleting it twice... Hope it works this time.
Lelia, You have a beautiful heart..
I loved reading it here.
It's been a while since I've blog "visited"... Summer took over and with that busyness...
I've missed my visits... and enjoyed my visit here today.
Hope you are doing well!
"Waging War" is one of my most favorite songs. I'll never forget when my friend Priscilla played it for me - all I could to yet again, was weep.
Keep on writing and inspiring sister!
Girl what happened to the post you had of Alivia and the hair mishap? When I click on the comment link, it says that the page is no longer there?
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