Monday, August 25, 2008

Complete Chaos

I know God is changing me. I feel it inside and out. Some days I am on the verge of tears from the time I awake to the time I lay my head on my pillow. A lump that plants itself in my throat just because I can't stop thinking about Him. I have begged Him to consume my every thought and when He does I can barely handle it.

I asked Him to become bigger in my life. He has and yet I want more of Him. He gets to me like no one else is capable of. He knows me, everything about me and still He loves me. Even wants to use me. I've questioned Him on this and He reassures me that despite my many flaws, I am usable, but only when He's my focus. So I try daily to stay focused.

When the enemy fights hard for my attention I fight back with by saying His Name over and over again, reciting Scripture I know and through tears I try to cheer myself on by whispering "Stay focused on Him Lelia. Keep a steadfast mind on Him." My eyes find Him again and I instantly feel different. Almost as if the enemy was yanked off my back and thrown to the side of the road.

It's so easy to become focused on the good or bad in front of you. Easy to get caught up in the lack of finances or the heartache of a Prodigal child. But to stay focused on Him no matter what is staring me down gives me a completely different view. When I spend time with Him, I have to force myself to get out of the chair and go about life because I could just sit in His presence all day long. I get up and get my day started and through out the day He dances through my thoughts.

Have you ever heard a song over and over again, but one day you stop and really listen to the words of it? As a writer I love words, especially when they are penned to God in such a way that makes tears fall from my eyes because I can relate to what the song says.

I recently heard a song by the group Sanctus Real that really touched my heart. It's called "Whatever You're Doing". The chorus of this song just got to me:

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly

Some days I feel like it's complete chaos and yet all around me is fine. It's within me that is going nuts. Why is that? I think it's because I've spent many days asking my Savior to save me from myself. To change me. I'm willing, I just don't know where to start. So I start with Him. Asking Him, inviting Him to come in and not leave without changing who I am and what I'm about.

Some days though you can never tell He dwells within me because of choice. Choice of behavior, choice of words, choice of how I spend the money He's entrusted to us. That is when the chaos is created within me. The days I fail I feel conviction because I want Him desperately to be seen in my life. When He shines its not anything I'm doing but all because of what He's doing. Just like the song says, He's creating chaos within me. I've lived a chaotic lifestyle before in the world and I'll take Holy Chaos over destructive chaos any day. It just gets so chaotic when He tries to make changes and my old self tries to stand firm.

I loved how the chorus of this song points out that Maybe, just maybe Lord what You are doing is so much bigger than me. When my daughter got pregnant last year, it would have been really life changing in the wrong direction had I decided to focus on myself. I realized though that God allowed the birth of this child for a reason and what He is doing is much bigger than me having the perfect looking sinless family.

This life, once we give it to Him becomes all about Him. This is bigger than me. With or without me, His plan is going to be played out. I want to participate and follow His lead. I want Him to create chaos within in me. The more chaotic I feel inside, the more I seek Him as He is the only One that can calm me.

I have no idea what You are up to Lord, but keep doing it. Keep changing me. Take a moment to listen to this song and really listen to the words. There are so many more lines in this thing than just the chorus that are just heart gripping. Be blessed...

~Many Blessings~

Join me and Friends tomorrow for the Yes to God Tuesday study of Lysa TerKeurst's book, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith". It's an awesome study and we'd love for you to join us for the discussion. And remember...

God is so good!


Laurie Ann said...

Great post, Leila! I, too, want God to consume me and want chaos to go away. I find the more I "practice" staying focused on Him, the more the things of the world grow dim. Praying for you as you feel God's press upon you.

Amanda B. said...

Oh dear heart beats in tune with yours. I can sit for hours and hours...whith so much to do...but just wanting more and more of Him!! Heaven can't come soon enough, but yet so many loved ones still need Him...I can relate to Paul. I want to go, yet I need to stay. So much work for the Kingdom yet to do. As God continues to weave His pattern in your life throught your granddaughter and all the circumstatnces surrounding you...just know that He IS IN THERE because I can see Him when I read you posts!! And He is beautiful through You!!

Liz said...

Great post. It seems you and I are on a similar journey. I posted the same song on August 4, could have posted your same words, but the circumstances are different, of course. I strive to remain in God's presence as the enemy has had too much of His way with me. I, too, have recited His word over and over to myself, to gather up the courage to take the next step or sometimes to rest in His love to be able to go back to sleep. I will pray for you my dear Sister. He is up to something heavenly!

cautious1 said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I can totally relate to your post today. I am currently reading the book entitled, "Shattered Dreams" (by Larry Crabb - have you heard of it/read it??) and it addresses some of the things that you mention in your post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
God Bless -
P.S. Your granddaughter is a total CUTIE! :)

lisalyn said...

Thank you so much for sharing that song. I was not familiar with it...but wow I really like it!!!
My daughter and I are going to be seeing Sanctul Real this weekend at Lifelight Festival in Sioux Falls. It will mean alot more to me now to hear them sing this song! I'll think of you and the words you have shared today.

This.."Some days though you can never tell He dwells within me because of choice. Choice of behavior, choice of words, choice of how I spend the money He's entrusted to us." so me right now! I have been so frustrated with me and I really want to BE who God wants me to be. And tomorrow it's back to work, so we'll see how I do!
Take Care.

lisalyn said...

Oops! Spelling error...Sanctus Real

HisPrincess said...

Thanks for sharing Lelia.

I really struggle sometimes to feel God's presence in my life. I wonder am I trying too hard? Should I just relax and let him do his stuff? Or am I not trying hard enough?

LynnSC said...

Hi Lelia,
Another great post. I can so relate to this...

"I have no idea what You are up to Lord, but keep doing it. Keep changing me."

I want nothing more than to be the person that God desires for me to be. I know that there is so much more.

Thanks for sharing,

Dorothy Champagne said...

You were weighing on my heart this morning, and I said a prayer just for you.

Lisa said...

Girl, I loved this post. Cling on tight to Him because when you ask Him to do big things in your heart, He takes it seriously! Once you've tasted Him in a new way, you never want to go back to living life without Him consuming you. That's what it sounds like is going on with you. He's consuming you from the inside-out. (One of my favorite praise songs talks about that) You won't think the same...see things the satisfied with the same, again. But it's a good thing. It's a God-in-you thing. Don't look back. He's in front of you.

Much love,
Lisa :)

StitchinByTheLake said...

I've thought about your words concerning focus, Lelia. When chaos surrounds us and fear threatens to consume us, focus becomes impossible. Nothing causes fear in our lives like children in trouble - and nothing causes chaos like not knowing the things we crave to know about them. Trusting God means letting go of the chaos and fear. It's only then that focus on Him is possible. And focusing on Him leads to more trust in Him. Sort of a circle I suppose. I'm glad you're feeling the change - be bold, be of great courage, be spiritually ready. He will calm you and He will use you. blessings, marlene