Years ago I was a very confused young woman. Raised up in a strong Christian home I became the Prodigal daughter much younger than what I should have. I attended a private Christian school and in my early teens became very rebellious. Not sure why I chose the path I did as both of my parents are God fearing in love with Jesus Christ, very loving people. I have nothing but great memories when it comes to my childhood and my actions literally broke my parents' hearts.
Something happened as a young teenager to where all of my choices were married to consequences that were not good. It was when I was in my early twenties and things were just horrible between Gene and I long before we were married. We both came from Christian homes but we were both clearly not living a life that reflected Jesus.
The sins were too numerous to even try to recall or even share on this blog as some things God hasn't given me the nudge to share. I secretly hope He never asks me to indulge in certain things of my past, but if He does I hope I'm obedient. Like today. I am saying "yes" to God when really I'd rather keep this in my back pocket. Someone must need to hear of His greatness is all the reasoning I can come up with.
I'll never forget the despair I felt on this one particular day. Gene was off on his own sinful adventure and I just couldn't take it anymore. I remember his roommate asking me if I was okay and begging me to not do anything stupid. I promised I wouldn't and said I was fine and went home. An empty heart and empty apartment is not a good combination.
Alyssa was out of town camping with my parents and I was scheduled to go to work in a few hours. I remember making the decision that I was done. Done with life. I felt like I was the worst mom in the world to Alyssa and honestly at that time in my life I was. I loved her, but I just put my selfish desires ahead of her needs...all of the time. I was just plain sick of me and I was so tired.
Growing up loving Jesus I was so far from Him because of the lifestyle I chose to live. I had praying parents and an Uncle and Aunt, Chris and Brenda in Alabama who refused to throw in the towel on me though. I believe that because of their faithfulness in praying over me that God heard their prayers. None of them knew what I was about to do, but I know now that God was not done with this child of His. He had more plans for me.
I emptied a bottle of sleeping pills into my mouth as I was in the shower. I got out and got dressed for work. Then I started feeling incredibly nautious. I then called my cousin and my aunt who live in town who I didn't ever call. I was telling them goodbye as I was holding a picture of Alyssa and through whatever I said to them they called 911.
I can only begin to imagine the victory dance Satan did when the pills slid down my throat. Little did he know my God was about to rise up and knock my pathetic enemy to the ground.
I was taken to the hospital in the nick of time and spent a few days recovering. Was life perfect after that? No way...I still didn't live my life for the Holy One who rescued me that day. And because He knows everything, He knew I'd still live life my way and yet He still got off His throne to save me. It wasn't until I returned to church a few years later and realized that Jesus wanted a personal relationship with me that I gave my life back to Him.
Blows my mind that God would want to use someone like me, but I'd rather be used by the Almighty One versus Satan any day. I want my life to reflect who I love by my actions and my words. Some days I know my husband has to wonder, but I am thankful God has blessed me with a man that has turned his life around and is filled with much grace. A man who desires to lead others to Christ because of how Jesus has changed his mind and heart.
We are a couple in love with Jesus. A couple who has looked at each other and thought..."really Lord this is your gift to me?". A couple who looks to the world like they're failing in the parenting area when their teens act like they haven't been taught a single thing except how to say "please and thank you" to his parole officer and to her OB doctor. A couple who knows if they return to living a life with their Bible's closed and their backs facing God that they will be destroyed by their enemy who is trying hard to get them back on his team again.
Bottom line is I have no idea where you have been or are heading to. Don't know if you're in love with Jesus or know nothing about Him. What I do know is that after watching this video my Mom sent me, I am reminded that He has to be everything to me. I know that when I wake up each morning I have to make a choice to live my life for Jesus as the center of my life. I tell you from my own personal nightmare that I have lived that a life out of my Savior's grasp is a scary road to travel.
I have to be close enough to feel His heart beating because when I'm not ,the only beating I feel is the one coming from Satan's fist.
Please take the time to watch this human video below...it is incredible. Thanks Mom for sending it my way.