Some days I just want the only grace in my life to be my sister's black lab dog. Well, let me add to that: When I'm the giver, not the receiver of it.
Extending it is sometimes tough; especially if the recipient seems undeserving in your eyes. It's something I've worked on over the last year. Some days I get it right and other days I'm a raging lunatic and I choose to show no grace.
The journey of Grace for me began August 16, 2007 when we found out our teenager was pregnant. Senior in high school, a know it all that knew nothing, a rebel with no cause and yet still my baby girl. I had to choose to either extend grace to her or remind her of her choice and drench her in shame every time we occupied the same room. With a chip on my shoulder at times, I kept my feelings inside and instead chose to give grace because I knew that is what God required of me in order for my walk with Him to go further. (To read my daughter's story it is in my sidebar...Grace Meets Innocence).
I wonder if extending grace and mercy to me has at times been tough for Jesus to do. If it has, He has never let me know because His desire to be in His Father's will is so much greater than anything else. We read in the Gospels that He is One that never put Himself first all the way to the cross.
He is the Ultimate Grace Giver.
So when we find ourselves with the wind knocked out of us, how do we get to the point that Paul did and realize that the grace God's been giving us is simply enough? How do we let ourselves just fall into the embrace of the arms of Grace and find contentment with its hug?
I love the Message version of
2 Corinthians 12:9
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
His strength comes into its own.
Oh you have no idea how that speaks to my heart right now.
How far does the enemy have to push us before we allow God's strength to come into its own in our weak lives?
How often does something happen and we go to the phone before the throne?
We panic about finances so we run down and get a loan with an outrageous interest tacked on to it.
We try over and over again to handle things on our own all the while God is sitting back saying "My Child, look to Me. See what I can do here. Trust in Me. Let my strength overpower the weakness you are about. You can't offer what I can, so come to Me and let Me release my power in your life. You need me more than you know."
That's what I feel He is telling me right now.
I feel like He is saying, "Lelia, let my grace, MY grace come into its own here because as strong as you think you are, you are one of my weakest."
Today we found out that our daughter Alyssa is pregnant again by the same unsaved, dead beat dad that Amiyah has.
Oh my...I can't even describe to you what is happening in my heart.
Disbelief...but why when it was so predictable because of her lifestyle.
Deep Sorrow....but yet I found myself hysterically laughing while doing laundry and praising the Lord only a half hour after hearing the news.
Anger...wondering how she could be so selfish; then answering my own question because I did the same thing at her age.
Shock...but encouraging her to surrender her life to Christ.
Love...no matter what, I'm crazy about her.
Forgiveness...not yet, but that will come. Probably accompanied by grace.
Two babies at 19 years old. Oh Lord show us mercy.
I pray that this is what will open her eyes, soften her heart and make her feel that she has finally hit rock bottom. Those of us who have been in a pit, we know that you get to the bottom and are faced with the choice to sit and be miserable or empty yourself and reach up for the only One that can pull you out of it. Jesus Christ. King of all kings. Lord Almighty. Prince of Peace. Savior. Chief Shepherd. I AM.
May my daughter reach for the arms and scarred hands of her Savior like she did at the age of 9 and may she let His arms of grace embrace her like no lover she has ever had. May she feel the difference.
I covet your prayers for our family right now. This is not what I signed up for, not even close. The only drama I desire in my life is when my 7 year old is acting on a stage. This is too much.
Above all else, I want a heart of obedience to keep me out of God's way so that His strength may as He put it...come into its own. I pray that His power knocks our weakness unconscious and when it comes to, may it only have the strength to kneel before Him.
Bring it Lord, the path has been made clear for You.