YES to GOD Study: Surrendering the Secret/Week 4

Hello!
I am beyond sorry for my absence from the blog.
I have been in correspondence with Jennifer and this has been a lot tougher than I thought it was going to be. I have really stuffed this part of my life and opening it up, I almost feel like I'm walking around with vomit all over me.

See, with my abortion, I took "the pill". And the two anti-abortion girlfriends I had told about my pregnancy, I couldn't dare tell them that I had aborted, so I told them that I miscarried. So, I let my lie become my truth. And every time I would think about what I had done, I told myself that I had miscarried.


And so it made it a little easier. And when I would start thinking about how old my baby would be, I'd stop before the tears could come down. I reminded myself that "I had no other choice". Lie after lie I fed myself and swallowed every bit of them.

So a few weeks ago, my oldest daughter and I had to go to Bellevue, which is less than an hour away. When we were heading back to Lincoln, she made a wrong turn and there, right across the street from where she turned around, was the clinic.
The clinic where I was handed the abortion pill that would let me swallow my secret sin.

Instant sinking of my stomach.
It's so dirty looking.
You think they could at least take some of the money they make and pave the parking lot so their doctor has a decent place to park.

I said, out loud, "Oh my gosh, that's where I had my abortion". My daughter gave a sympathetic, "Oh" and off we went. There's a sign at the exit off of the highway to Bellevue that says "When a woman has an abortion, something inside of her dies". They should have that on the outside of this dirty building.
But as my daughter found the right street, I just did what I've always done when thinking about my abortion choice, and quickly stuffed it. Problem is, I  am supposed to be "leading" a blog study of this very thing and I don't want anything to do with it. It was so much better when I didn't allow myself to think about it.
Because not only as a mom, but as a human, what I did was horrible and everything in me wants this baby back.
WHAT would God have done with my situation had I allowed Him in and really took Him at His Word of being the great "I Am"?


Looking at this picture of the clinic, I wonder how many babies have been left behind.
And the thing is, I have always been so protective of my kids, that there is no way if this was a daycare that I'd leave my child there, but I did. The minute I let that doctor place that pill in my hand and watch me swallow it, I left my child there. To die. Oh Lord, I'm so sorry.

So amongst other things that have happened, I have chosen to ignore this blog. I like easy and it was easier for me to text Jennifer saying "I promise promise promise today I'm posting!" and week after week she'd text back encouraging me to press forward and trust God with this like she had to do when she first went through this book. I was really hoping she'd say, "Oh, don't worry about it, you're not ready", but she didn't let me off the hook. Instead, she lovingly prayed and guided me. I so love her!
Also, thank you all for your sweet comments and encouragement the last post. You're all such blessings!
If you are going through this book because of your own choice of regret, I will be praying for you!

So, I know I'm way behind, but instead of trying to play catch up, let's look at session 4 this week.
If you ever want to comment, but don't want anyone to know your identity, you can comment under "Anonymous". Your input is always valued.

SESSION 4:  A TIME FOR ANGER: Tearing Down the Roadblocks
Anything in blue is a quote from the book. 

I really love how the author, Pat Layton has included pages from her personal journal at the beginning of each session. This journal entry made me cry. She was told her abortion would take a few hours and she'd be back to her normal life. Instead, she stopped breathing and was put on a respirator due to an allergic reaction from the anesthesia. What was going to be her secret became her nightmare as she awoke to her parents next to her side in the hospital. Read her words...

"They" said there was "no need to worry" about the fever and the cramps that lasted five days after I went home from the hospital. As I grew worse, "they" changed their minds and said, "We are very sorry" and admitted me back into the hospital. "They" said, "During the emergency we encountered during your first procedure, parts of the fetus were left behind. We will need to repeat the procedure." 
I never even thought about the word "fetus" as "they" said it. 
All I could think was "baby." 
My baby. 
"Parts" left behind? 
Which "parts"? 
The heart? 
The hands? 
The parts of a boy or a girl? 
My God, 
which parts? 
Nothing "they" said was true.

I cannot even begin to pretend to know what she endured during and after that day. But what I do know is the book I am trying hard to go through is proof that God can take the hardest, ugliest, most selfish time in our life and turn it for His good.


Ephesians 4: 25-26
Laying aside falsehood, speak the truth each of you with his neighbor, for we are all members of one another. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger


So how do "be angry" and yet keep sin out of the picture.
I've always related anger with yelling, screaming, explosive behavior and yet that is not what God wants from us. So sometimes it seems easier to stuff it, but that's not what God says for us to do either. Verse 26 doesn't say, Be angry, and yet do not sin, just stuff it down in your heart and make things on the outside look as normal as possible.
Anger is a God-given emotion that helps us address issues, but it must be handled carefully. 



Pat takes us further into Ephesians chapter 4 when she takes us past verse 26 and goes to 32 where we learn what happens when we stuff our anger or let it out in the wrong way.

I've always heard, "don't let the sun go down on your anger" and have looked at that sentence as being more of a fortune tucked into the fold of a cookie at a Chinese restaurant instead of advice in my Bible penned by Paul.
 When I've been angry about something not only has the moon replaced the sun, but the lights have been turned off, the fit has been thrown, the words I can't take back have been spit out and the silent treatment has gone into effect.
And how many of these can I check off that I've done...
Explosive anger verbally attacks by screaming, cursing, condemning, name-calling, humiliating, or threatening. It damages self-esteem and trust and ultimately destroys a relationship when the exploder causes the anger recipient to retreat for emotional safety. 


Pat encourages us to get rid of explosive anger and replace it with a healthy outlet.
It's so weird, because I don't walk around screaming and yelling like a mad woman, but when I let it out oh my goodness, even Kane the dog wishes he lived somewhere far away from me.
And sometimes the anger just rises up so quick from out of no where.
Post-abortive women often react to thing sin ways they don't understand. They find themselves overreacting to events and circumstances in ways they don't expect---sometimes with anger, or other times with great sadness or hurt. Now that you are on your healing journey, you can begin to make sense of these uncomfortable emotions. 




By doing this study, it has really forced me to look at the choice that I made. The choice I convinced myself had to be done. The choice to end my baby's life. The choice to not give God a chance. The choice to face myself in the mirror and allow myself to grieve.
The choice I wish I was sitting next to right now.


It was no coincidence that my daughter missed the turn and I sat in the car looking at the building I entered years ago. I think God allowed that to happen on purpose so I would stop putting up walls around this part of my heart and give Him permission to invade me.
I hadn't seen the clinic since I walked away from it that day. I didn't even return there for my post abortion  follow-up appointment 2 weeks later.
I just wanted that day gone, but somehow God has different plans for me.
I wonder if this is what He means when He tells us in Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
       neither are your ways my ways,"
       declares the LORD.


Please visit Jennifer at her blog,  Spirit of Truth 
and read her insight to session 4 as we share different things from the chapter.
Love,

Join me next Tuesday, session 5: 
Forgiveness: A Giant Step Toward Freedom


I'll be back Friday to share with you some exciting things that have been happening. 
Our God...He is somethin' else, as if you don't already know!

YES to GOD Study: Surrendering the Secret/Week 2 & 3

WELCOME 

to

of the book

 Surrendering the Secret. 

Last Tuesday, I was to post on session 2 and today on session 3. I have to be honest here and tell you, I'm having a hard time working through this book. 

I can blame it on being busy with work and family, but truth be told, what I thought at first was a great idea of hosting this study, has turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. 

And like Jillian Michaels says on her video, "when you begin to hurt, it's pain leaving the body". 

So, I'm late and I'm sorry for that, but here are a few things from sessions 2 & 3. 

SHARING THE SECRET: A Spring in the Desert

Remember, anything in blue is a quote from the book. 

In the journal entry from Pat's journal she is nudged by God to share her story with her BFF, Ann. 

She was so nervous and scared to do so and wrote these thoughts:

Although I am dreading it, I had to tell Ann about my abortion. The secret swelled so fiercely in my heart that I was about to burst! Yet turmoil and panic gripped my chest because I had no idea what Ann would say or how exposing this dark part of my past would affect our friendship. Ann and all my new friends at church seemed so godly and good. What would they think of me? What would they think about the awful thing I had done? It was time---to break the power of secrecy...

Isn't this so true to think no matter what our secrets hold? 

I've talked before about being at a women's conference and thinking, "if only she knew me". 

And surprisingly, when I've shared my past with my friends, they have shown me grace. 

And my sister Michelle. Oh my goodness, God knew exactly who I needed.

 I couldn't have designed a more perfect friend/sister. She has been so incredible. 

In this session, Pat talked of buying into lies. 

If Satan can keep us feeling worthless, keep us feeling guilty, or keep our minds and hearts under his influence, he can keep us out of the glory God intended us to live in and the intimacy God wants us to share with Him. That's why the deceiver continually whispers lies about who we are, who God is, God's heart toward us, and  intimacy with God. 

Continually whispers lies. 

And I continually believe my enemy. 

This cycle of destruction has come to an end. 

Session 3: WALK IN TRUTH

What if when you went to the clinic to get your abortion they took you into a room and told you what you would really feel afterward? 

On page 45, Pat talks about how after having an abortion, the first emotion most women have is immediate relief. Research indicates, however, that this relief is short-lived and is soon replaced by guilt, shame, secrecy, sadness and regret. This strong letdown experience is commonly referred to as Post-Abortion Trauma. 

On my way home from the clinic, I got a phone call asking to serve at church for Easter Sunday that year. I felt so much shame, but quickly regrouped. 

I had to remember that this was MY secret. 

My pregnancy was the result of an affair my husband didn't know of yet, so I had to be careful not to do anything out of the ordinary. Which meant walking around crying. 

So, I stuffed it and went on with my life. 

And tried my hardest not to EVER think about it. 

But after my husband knew and showed so much grace, the guilt and shame would really kick in. And wouldn't you know, Satan stayed around and had fun with this new emotion too. 

He just loves to keep us down and useless. 

This is one decision that we hope we are alone in, but the truth of it is, many many women have had an abortion. We are everywhere...women who have bought the enemy's lie that abortion was our only hope, our only choice, and what we "had to do". 

Okay, that's all I can do for now. 

I will be praying for all of you silently joining this study. 

We are not alone ladies, and our God. 

Our God loves us as is. 

Please visit my co-host, Jennifer on her blog 

A Spirit of Truth 

for an amazing word. 

Love,

*Next Tuesday, August 3rd for Session 4: A Time for Anger: Tearing Down Roadblocks

YES to GOD Study: Surrendering the Secret/Week 1

Welcome to the summer YES to GOD study of Pat Layton's book 

Surrendering the Secret.  

First, I want to tell everyone who has left messages of encouragement and letting us know that they're praying, THANK YOU so much! What a blessing you have been!

Session 1: WHERE HAVE YOU COME FROM?

Anything in blue is a quote from the book.

Prior to each session is a page entry from the journal of Pat, the author. She shares how at the age of 23 she was alone at the clinic. I love what she says here about God: "He's rescued  me from despair and shame, transforming the messes of my life into a beautiful ministry of grace and healing". Her testimony is amazing and to be led through this journey by someone like her through her book, is an absolute privilege.



One thing that Pat mentioned in the beginning of this session is God is here, and He has brought you here. He has a plan for you but cannot take the journey for you. You must take one step: a step of faith to begin walking the path with Him. 

When I first found out I was pregnant, I told two of my friends. Both cried with me and prayed for me and both women begged me not to have an abortion. The only reason they would both bring up abortion is because being married, the baby was not my husband's. I promised both of them that I would never do what I was always so against. It would be years before I would tell them the truth about my "miscarriage". Both forgave me, but the shame I carried was at times unbearable.

Some think God couldn't care less about our pain or that He condemns us for past mistakes, but the Book of Jeremiah gives us glimpses into God's real heart. 

They dress the sound of my people as thought it is not serious, "Peace, peace," they say, when there is no peace. 

JEREMIAH 6:14 NIV

Pat goes on to share with us the story in the Bible of Hagar found in Genesis 16. 

If you have never read the Bible before, Genesis is the very first book of the Bible. And let me tell you, some of the stories in here bring out more drama than the writer's of Desperate Housewives could ever dream up.

There are three main characters in this story: Abram, his wife Sarai and her servant Hagar. 

Sarai hadn't been able to give Abram any kids, so in all her womanly wisdom, she tells Abram to sleep with Hagar. 

And he did. 

Hagar became pregnant. 

And Sarai became ticked off and treated Hagar horribly. 

And Hagar did what any pregnant mistreated servant would do and she ran away. 

Shame. Guilt. Shame. Running from the situation. 

Sound familiar? 

The day I was driving home from my regretful time in the clinic, I received a phone call from a guy at church asking me to be a greeter that Sunday for Easter service at the front doors of our church.
"Sure" I said in a forced happy tone while tears ran down my cheeks.
Needless to say, I didn't show up. 

Getting back to Hagar, this is where it gets really good. 

Let's pick up at Genesis 16:7-8

The angel of the LORD found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. The angel said to her, "Hagar, Sarai's servant, where have you come from, and where are you going?" 

I LOVE that...where have you come from, and where are you going? 

Just think of what God has brought you out of and think of where He can and will take you, if you allow Him to do so. 

From a seat in a clinic that left me with shame and guilt....to complete surrender in all areas of my life. 

Continuing on with Hagar's story, I love this next part. 

The angel told her to return to her mistress and submit to her authority. The he continued to tell her all that God promised to do with and to her. And this was her response to God, "You are the God who sees me." She also said, "Have I truly seen the One who sees me?"

How special she must have felt that day! She ran away in shame and the Lord met her right where she was and HE made her feel special and loved. She knew without a doubt that He saw her.
WHAT a Savior!

So, what does this have to do with us? 

Pat goes on to explain that abortion is a response to panic. 

Just like Hagar, when we went to the clinic, we ran with a cloak of shame covering our shoulders and more than likely we ran in panic. I know I did. I felt there was no other way out for me. 

And in all of my selfishness, God saw me. He saw me the day I walked into that clinic all alone. He saw me as I sat in the waiting room wanting to run out the doors. He saw me when the cold hearted doctor handed me the pill to end my pregnancy without even looking up at me. God hears your heart's cry! He sees you and feels your pain. He longs for you to look back on this time in your life and ask with Hagar, "Have I truly seen the One who sees me?"

Where have I come from?
A life full of decisions that effected not only me, but so many people I love.
A heart of regret and shame.

Where am I going?
My hearts' desire is to go wherever the Lord wants to take me.

It's time to trust in the God that sees and loves me whether I'm sitting in a chair in an abortion clinic or I'm sitting in a chair in church. 

Regardless of where I'm at in my life, His love for me is endless and unconditional. 

He has forgiven me for taking the life of my child and now instead of keeping me down in the pit of shame,  He wants to use my regret for His glory.

Question is...will I let Him?


Work through this study ladies.
Tough stuff, but let's allow God to break down your secret and let Him take you to new heights.

Please visit my co-leader Jennifer to read what she has written about this week's session.
She has been through this study and is a leader in her church. And what a heart she has for us.
Click here to go to her wonderful blog, Spirit of Truth. Oh, and if you haven't read her poem that she wrote called Out of the Darkness, oh my goodness, you have to read this.


Check back during the week so I can introduce you to some other women that have had an abortion, but have also made the decision to let God use this horrible choice for His good.

Let's tap into the hope we have in Him... 

the God who sees us!

Love you,

YES to GOD Study: Surrendering the Secret Intro's

Welcome to the new YES to GOD study of Pat Layton's book 

Surrendering the Secret.  

What better timing to start this book after the holiday that represents Freedom.

I hope you all had a great weekend, now let's get to it.

This book is in sessions, not chapters as I had previously stated. Each day there is something to read and questions to answer. So today, will just be introductions and next Tuesday, July 13th we will share and discuss Session 1: WHERE HAVE YOU COME FROM?

Here is a note from Jennifer, my co-leader of this study... 

Hi everyone! 

I wanted to take a quick minute to introduce myself and tell you a little bit about why I am co-leading this on line study with Lelia. My name is Jennifer Kittredge and I went through Surrendering the Secret for myself in January of 2009. 

This was not something that I wanted to do but God had other plans (He always does). My abortion kept coming up back in December of 2008 and I wrestled with God about it for days. I did NOT want to go back there. Finally, I emailed Pat Layton, the author of our study, and she told me to run to A Woman's Place, which is our local crisis pregnancy center which Pat started about 24 years ago. I did, not actually excited about why I was there but knew God was behind me leading me and guiding me to finally receive the healing I so desperately needed. 

Fast forward to 8 weeks after our study ( I will share more of my journey along the way) I am a new person. My chains are gone and I have been set FREE! Finally free from this bondage that had been holding me down.  

I became a certified leader of STS in May of 2009 and have been leading groups at my church ever since.

I am so excited for each one of you who will share this journey with us. I know that this is scary,but God is with you every step of the way. He wants you healed. He wants to shine His light into your darkest places.

For week one of this study please start in your workbook with Session 1 "Where Have You Come From?". When you are through with your session, please share whatever stood out to you most throughout your session. Please take the Past Trauma Survey on page 17 of your book and share the score of your survey and the key symptoms you recognized in your own life.

Love,

Jennifer

"For God did not send his Son into the world, but to save the world through him...But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God" 

John 3:17,21 

NIV

******************

From Lelia....

I don't think I've ever fully dealt with what I did. Taking the life of a child is something when done you can never undo and when the reality of that hits you it's a panic one can hardly explain. You think of your baby all of the time. And the "what-ifs" are infinitely long. What if I would've trusted God and just had the baby...What if I would have left the clinic that day, and on and on. The shame is so heavy and so I'm ready to surrender even this to a God that says I am worth His Son's death on a cross. I'm scared and so ready for this journey. I hope if you've made this choice that you're ready too. 

Hand in hand and heart to heart, let's do this together. 

Love,

Lelia

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

***********************

Okay...so next week, Tuesday, July 13th meet here and if you want to, be ready to share your thoughts on Session 1. If you just want to silently participate, please do so. Whatever your level of comfort in join us at that level. This is a no pressure study. So, if you don't have your book, order it now for it's never to late to join us in this journey toward freedom! Click here to order your book today or for someone you know struggling with the secret of abortion.

Below is the anthem of this study.

Have a blessed week! 

Get your butt in time out

The World Cup has been all over the news and if you are a lover of soccer, you have been glued to the television. I won't mention her name, but according to my sports fanatic friend somewhere in Kansas, when the USA was playing you were just not patriotic if you were not cheering Landon Donavon and his teammates on. I will try to make up for my lack of interest this weekend by wearing red, white and blue.



This morning though, this headline on good ole' informative Yahoo News caught my eye...
Unusual Punishment for World Cup Squad. Ahhh, now they have my interest. So, I clicked and read this:

Nigeria lost its first two World Cup group stage matches but still came just one goal short of advancing with their draw against South Korea. As one of the more heavily favored African nations, the early elimination was certainly a disappointment. So how is Nigeria handling that disappointment?

From the BBC:

Nigeria's president has suspended his nation's football team from international competition for two years after a poor showing at the World Cup.

Special presidential adviser Ima Niboro told reporters the decision by Goodluck Jonathan will "enable Nigeria to reorganize its football."

He said: "This directive became necessary following Nigeria's poor performance in the ongoing World Cup."

Wow! Two whole years in time out for not representing your country in a positive way? That's a long time seems a little harsh over a soccer game.

Just looking at my own walk with Jesus, can you even imagine if this was God's mode of operation?
OH, my goodness, I'd be in time out all the time.
But we serve a God full of grace and mercy. When we mess up and we truly repent, He forgives.
Doesn't mean He never disciplines us, but He does forgive.



A few weeks ago, I put up a post called "Seasons End and Sometimes Friendships Do Too".
Don't go looking for it, if you missed it because I took it down last night. I wrote that post out of frustration and ever since, God has been working on my heart. But I kept ignoring and justifying why I wrote it. If  you didn't see it, I had written about a friendship that I felt was no longer good for me,but this person kept appearing in my life and after feeling unheard by her, I decided to take it to the blog because I knew she used to read it.
OH. Boy.
Let me just tell you, that when you have committed something to be God's, like I have with this blog, and you use it for your own personal platform, watch out. I knew when I wrote it, my post would hurt her, but being  the "godly" woman  that I am, I started the post out with scripture and even backed up my feelings with a Bible story of a friendship gone awry.  And you know what? Hand in hand with Pride, I accomplished exactly what I set out to do.


Pride.
She's so ugly.
And I invited her and all her ugliness to come into my heart and invade it so that every time I spoke of the situation to my husband, I was left with drops of poison dripping off of my chin.
I was not a pretty sight.
Not to God, to my husband or admittedly to myself.

And then I got a letter about the blog post from my "ex-friend" as I referred to her as in the post.
And she asked for my forgiveness.
And for the first time in a year I felt my heart softening toward her.
So I thought I should take the post down that slammed her, but then Pride quickly stood up with her hands on her hips and said,"No Lelia, leave it up, stand your deserved ground girl."
And, so I did.
Until last night.



Yesterday afternoon, I had my 16 year old chauffeur, Aaron, drive me to Walgreen's and according to him and his friend, I left them in the heat for 30 minutes until I found a birthday card for her. I wrote in it, signed and sealed it, but didn't deliver it. Instead, I went to Bible Study and cried on this one part that Beth Moore shared.


Wouldn't you know, it was on pride?
She shared how she had been trying to work with this woman and the woman just kept lying so Beth had enough. She said she was speaking at a banquet and saw this woman out of the corner of her eye and Beth then made a statement from the stage that only the woman would get. A statement that sliced the lady apart. And immediately after, God dealt with Beth about it. I sat there last night in tears. For a year now I have avoided having a sit down with this lady and sharing our hearts. And like I said I let Pride rear up and hold her ugly head high in my heart because in my mind, I am right and she is so wrong.



After Bible study last night I prayed and asked God to help me and I made my way to the Birthday Girl's home. I let out a sigh of relief as I turned the corner because I was getting off easy; she wasn't home. I went up to the house and was going to put the card in the screen door when through the open door I saw her ninety-something year old father sitting alone watching television. I knocked and let myself in and talked with him for awhile. I hadn't seen him in a year and we used to see each other everyday. I gave him kisses and hugs and just as I was leaving, her sister walked in. I felt a little uncomfortable, knowing she probably knew what had happened, but we hugged and spent a few minutes talking. Again, I was making my way out the door, when my neighbor walked in from her birthday dinner.


Over the last year, I hadn't stepped foot in her home or talked with her and when she walked in and saw me, she opened her arms. We hugged and talked for a few minutes and then I left. And cried. It was her day, so I didn't say anything but Happy Birthday, but it was a start. A start of letting God fill my heart and making Pride get the heck out. A start of making Pride shut up and let me walk in obedience to God. A God who should have done what the Nigerian president did and put my butt in a 2 year time out for using the gift of writing He has trusted me with to rip apart my sister in Christ. For being a poor showing of grace and mercy.


I was wrong in how I wrote out my feelings on my blog and I'm so sorry to her and also to you for roping you into my journey of pride. Some things, we just need to get in the position as this Nigerian player is in and take our junk before God and God alone.










One thing Beth Moore said last night, was "We better deal with our stuff, our stuff will deal with us".


Let Him deal with you in whatever way He needs to, for He is the only One Who truly knows our needs.


If you want to join an on line blog study, starting Tuesday, July 6th, check it out here and see if it's for you.

Walking down the aisle

11 years ago today I walked down the aisle toward Gene as a single mom. 

20 minutes later, I walked back down the aisle holding his hand as his wife. 

I loved every bit of our wedding day and honeymoon. 

I wish I could say I've loved every bit of the last 11 years, but there's not one couple that could say that about their marriage. Life is hard and there are going to be trials in every union, but when we have God to lean on it can make it a lot more worth it. 

There are many "aisles" we walk down in our life and say "I do" to. Sometimes we walk alone and sometimes hand in  hand with someone else. Sometimes when we get to the end, we're filled with joy, like I was on the day Gene and I exchanged our vows. And then there's sometimes the path I have chosen to walk down has left me with regret to what I've said "I do" to.
Like when I walked into the abortion clinic alone. And I walked out empty and scared. And years later still find myself with a huge hole in my heart and a regret I can't even explain. And knowing that I can't "undo" this horrible decision makes me heartsick to this day. 

So that is one of the reasons why I chose to do the book 

Surrendering the Secret 

by 

Pat Layton 

for the next Yes to God study starting on Tuesday, July 6th. 

 Tuesday, July 6th will be the first day of discussing chapter 1 of  the summer Yes to God study being led by not just myself, but also Jennifer who has a passion for post-abortion women. Click here to read Jen's latest blog post called Out of the Darkness, which is so beautiful.  

Hopefully, you've never made this choice, but if you have it would be wonderful if you could join us. Or, if you know of anyone who has made the choice to abort their baby, please let them know about this on line blog study that they can join in from the comfort of their own home. 

*They don't have to have a blog to read the posts every Tuesday.

*They never have to leave a comment if they don't want to.

*If they want to leave a comment, they can do it under "Anonymous" if they wish to remain unknown. 

I hope and pray this will be a time of healing from the Lord for all that participate in this study because the death of a child at  your own hands...Lord have mercy, it's something you get through, but never over.
Click here to order your book today to join us and make sure you order the LeaRner Guide NOT the LeaDer Guide. Any questions about the study, since she leads groups in her church with this book, please contact Jennifer at  jenniekit@gmail.com

This video is so powerful, I hope you take a few minutes to watch it. It's a young man who wrote a song about his mother when she was 17 and almost aborted him. My Dad, who has always been so strongly against abortion loved this video when it first came out. It is also our 8 year old Alivia's favorite video; watch it and you'll see why. I hope you're blessed. 

So long Dumbo

FACT: An elephant calf is around 250 pounds or 115 kgs in weight when born.

I know what you're wondering...how do you know this Lelia?

Well, after many verbalized plans to lose my unwanted weight by my 40th birthday in October, only to daily sabotage my efforts by indulging in a huge bowl of ice cream sin, my 16 year old son Aaron has had enough. And so yesterday, he sweetly informed  me that I weigh as much as a baby elephant. Aaron is much like his dad as he retains facts that normal people don't know. So, a little taken aback, I asked how much those things weigh and when he said 250, I argued that I do not weigh that much, which he came back with: "Fine Mom, you're a preemie elephant".


Gene and I were laughing, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized two things:
1.) I don't want to be compared to a baby elephant.
and
2.) How often I show my kids the picture of failure.


Really, I do. I set goals and never accomplish them.
What is that called? Insanity?
You've probably heard the definition of that before: Doing the same thing, expecting different results.


So, how does one get beyond herself and try something different? Something that will work?
Last night I was thinking about it and the one thing that instantly came to my mind is in the book of the Bible known for it's wisdom...

Proverbs 16:3

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, 

       and your plans will succeed.

So, this morning I woke up and committed my day to the Lord. I asked Him to help me make good choices in my thought life, my usage of words and I also asked Him to guide me through my exercise and eating choices.


I can make all the goals and plans I want to, but bottom line is, if I don't include the Lord, which I haven't up to this point, I will NEVER find success.


Baby elephant...your days are numbered!

Do you have anything in your life that you continuously failed at 

UNTIL you gave it the Lord 

and through Him you finally found success? 

Oh, please share...

Back again to surrender

It's Saturday morning and when I pull up my computer I get the latest Yahoo news. 

One of the stories that caught my eye tells of a 16 year old girl from California 

who was rescued at sea last week.

Her parent approved attempt to sail around the world alone non-stop was interrupted by the weather.

Family spokesman, Jeff Casher said her vessel was so badly damaged, her attempt to circle the globe was over. "This is the end of the dream. There's no boat to sail," he said.

Many times in our lives we do things on our own, without God and we fail miserably. 

We make choices that can't be undone and we have to live with the consequences of those choices for the rest of our lives. 

And often, instead of allowing God to restore us and be the undeniable center in and of our lives, we believe that our vessels are so badly damaged that any attempt to live for God is impossible. 

And so our journey of being a woman that says Yes to God is interrupted all because we swallow every bite of lies our enemy spoon feeds us that this is the end and there's no boat to sail. 

But what if we stopped believing the smooth talking father of lies and took God at His own Word? 

What if we accepted His offer of grace and forgiveness and made Him the Captain of our wrecked lives? 

I have taken a break from hosting blog book/Bible studies, but now feel the time is right to do another book.

The book chosen for this next study won't be for all of us. 

And honestly, I hope you won't have any reason to join me in this study. 

I hope it's one thing we don't ever have in common. 

The subject matter is one that if we are against it, it is okay make a sign,stand on the corner and let others know your strong beliefs. 

But if you have done it, shame on you and to avoid judgement just keep it quiet and just move on. 

The problem I have with keeping it quiet is that how the heck are we supposed let God use us to help others who may be leaning toward making the same choice you did? 

Because what if our testimony is what gets them to change their mind and choose life over death?

So July 6th I welcome back YES to GOD Tuesday's

 where we meet here every Tuesday to discuss a book 

and the next study is...

a book by author and speaker 

Pat Layton

Recently, two young ladies I know made a choice.

Miles apart in different states both were pregnant. 

One I didn't know of her pregnancy until later, one I knew of right away.

One chooses to end life and now cannot bear the consequences of her choice. 

The other one is leaning toward the same choice. 

The one who chose to end life messages the other not to do this and shares her story. 

The mother of the pregnant young lady tells me, "I am desperate to save this baby".

On behalf of her desperation to save her grandchild, the throne room was flooded with prayers 

from all over the country.

Truth of after-horror is shared from women who aborted with the young lady still pregnant.  

Hoping something said would change her mind and heart.

And our God.

He was not unmoved. 

Not by the young lady who chose to abort and now cries to her Savior 

and not by those interceding for the baby still alive.

The pregnant one has made her choice.

She will start off 2011 with changing the diapers of her little one!

And the one left with regret praises God alongside other post-abortion women 

all wishing they had made the choice of life.

Please know that I am not telling you to stand up in church on Sunday and say, 

"Hello, I am So and So and I had an abortion".

But what I do encourage you to do is allow God to use your choice of regret 

to glorify Him instead letting Satan shame you. 

Over and over again.

Perhaps joining this study is exactly where God wants His work to begin in you.

The young lady who aborted never knew my story.

But what if she had...would she have shared with me her fears and 

by hearing of my regret, not made the same choice that I did? 

Here is a description of the book from the author's website:

Many women hide the secret of abortion deep in their hearts, and they are suffering severe consequences. They carry a great burden of shame and failure afraid to reveal their hidden pain, and by doing so are forced to endure the long-lasting effects in isolation. Surrendering the Secret will allow women to release this burden and find freedom through 'redemptive community' while experiencing hope and joy as shame and failure are replaced with beauty.

IT'S TIME TO HEAL THE HEARTBREAK OF ABORTION. 

I will not be leading this study alone. 

I asked my friend Jennifer, author of the blog Spirit of the Truth to join me because her passion for post abortion women is such a threat to the kingdom of darkness. 

She has led many groups through this book in person and at the time of asking her I had no idea of that.

But God knew exactly who we need to help us through this journey.

Learn more about Jennifer here in a very touching blog post called LifeSong.

What I didn't know until after she said "yes", is that she works for the ministry of the author of this book!

Before I e-mailed Jennifer, I had e-mailed Pat asking if she thought this was a book appropriate to do as a blog study or if it had to be done in a group setting in person. 

She said it has never been done before on a blog before but that she thought it was a great idea.

We have her blessing and prayers and she is very excited about it. 

What I love about a blog study is you can participate from the comfort of your own home. 

You can join in and if you have something you want to share except for your identity then you can sign in under "ANONYMOUS" and nobody will have a clue to who you are except your Creator.

If you have any questions regarding a YES to GOD study, on the right side of my blog there is a square button you can push that has all the answer's to FAQ's you can think of. 

Unlike the other studies I've hosted there will not be a sign up for this study.  

Please think about joining Jennifer and I for study and discussion of one chapter each week of 

Pat Layton's book 

Surrendering the Secret. 

Meet here Tuesday, July 6th and have chapter 1 read and ready to discuss.

Invite anyone to join that you know has been down this road before. 

Let your women's ministry at church know. 

You do not have to have a blog to join in.

You never have to join the discussion if you don't feel comfortable. 

But if this study will help you or someone you know please join us.

And watch the message below from Pat Layton and other post-abortion women.

To order your book, click here so you can join us with 

chapter 1 on JULY 6th!

If you need to e-mail me with any questions, you can do so at chealey5@yahoo.com or if you have specific questions regarding the study since she is a leader and is familiar with it, please contact Jennifer at jenniekitt@mac.com

So tough and yet so wimpy

This morning I decided to sit outside under the umbrella on the patio to do my devotions and do some writing. It's so beautiful out here. I love the sounds that accompany sunny Saturday mornings as Spring gets ready to jump into Summer. Dogs barking, birds singing, kids playing and leaves in the trees above me dancing to the rhythm of the gentle wind. Wish every morning could start off this peaceful. 

Then my peace was interrupted. 
Our son Aaron has a big dog named Kane. He is the coolest dog and so loving to those he knows. 
To strangers walking their dogs though, he can come across as the bully of the block. 
If anyone dares to walk by our house, he is quick to the fence to let them know that they are in his hood and they best get to steppin' before he jumps the fence and devours their family pet. Since he doesn't know how to jump the fence though, Kane's choice of intimidation is his bark. 
It is loud, deep and demands respect.
By the way families hurry to get out of his sight, I would say he gets what he wants. 






But this morning I saw a different side of Kane as he was far from the big mean dog that he portrays himself to be. 
It all started when a blue jay landed on his food bowl, plucking out a piece of dog food and flying away. 

"Hey!", I yelled at the bird while looking down at my boy laying next to my chair, who did absolutely nothing but continue to lay next to my chair.
 
I started reading again when suddenly two black birds with beady, piercing blue eyes landed on the gutter of the house and leaned toward Kane and screeched at him. 

Once again I looked down at Kane, but this time, all I saw was tail as he was cowering under my chair.

Surprised and disappointed in him, I got up and put his bowl in the garage hoping they'd go away and also because Purina is too expensive to be used to feed mean things with feathers. 







Apparently, this made the birds more mad and instead of leaving like I had hoped, they kept repeating their behavior. Which then made me mad because the more they cawed at Kane, the more he cowered. I tried giving him a pep talk, but he looked at me as if to say, just put me in the garage with my food, Woman. 
The birds kept doing this and it started to freak me out, so I grabbed the nearest thing to me...if you are a lover of black birds with beady, piercing blue eyes...don't read this next part. 
I threw a basketball, okay, two basketballs and a rock at them. Unfortunately, they saw the large objects coming  and they flew away unharmed. I think I only contributed to their already angry selves because then they started to land on the privacy fence right next to the edge of the umbrella and aimed their demands directly at me which allowed Kane to relax a little. They are really scary that close and for a split second I almost joined Kane under the chair. 




Then it dawned on me, from watching Kane's behavior, that this is not the first time this has happened.
These birds keep doing this because they can. 
Instead of Kane standing his ground and tapping into the power within him and using his bark to scare them off, he just hides. All while they fly their little one pound selves down into his yard, land on his bowl and eat his food. 
They just come in and take what is not theirs and he just lets them. 




Determined to not go inside until I was ready to, I remained under the umbrella, but kept a watchful eye for the twin birds because I'm pretty sure they had starring roles in this movie. And that's when I realized that this is a picture of our enemy. 






Satan will bully the heck out of us. He will swoop into our lives and take what does not belong to him because he can. The attacks from him are inevitable. They are going to happen, but our response to the attack is what gives God the permission to swoop in and mark His territory of our heart. Just like Kane's bark makes a dog run away with his family in tow, when we speak Scripture over our enemy, he runs. And when we let the father of lies know that our hearts belong to our Father in heaven, that is when Jesus is quick to the gate of our heart and lets our enemy know that he is not going to come take what is not his. 








There are times when I feel defeated but when I choose to call on the Name of Jesus, I find that there is a big bark behind that Name ladies...say it and watch your enemy cower. He cowers and eventually flees because he knows Who God is and he knows he can't take on something so big and mighty. 






I'm still under my umbrella and the birds are picking on someone else for the time being. 
Kane has resurfaced to the fence and once again is letting the innocent walkers know through his loud barks that you do not come down this street again without an invitation.
If they only knew that if they walked their pet parakeet, he'd be putty in their hands. 
So glad the privacy fence decorated with bird poop keeps the walkers from seeing me.